Its been many moons since I’ve last posted. Inspiration has been hit and miss for me. While I am inching my way toward a conclusion, career wise, I have unleashed my inner child recently.
That part of my life that I was certain had died a couple of years ago. I can’t do those tricks anymore. If my life’s fire becomes a single flame, I cease to exist. My colors dull and I crawl under a duvet for hours at a time.
Tolkien once wrote happiness is not a destination but a way of travel. There is a great deal of truth in that. It is easier to course through life with some goals however. If you keep focused it gives you a sense of purpose.
My travels have lead me back to one of my great passions, mortuary science. Yet, I question that too. Because of my type b personality, I doubt my ability to be as organized or punctual as I need to be. So where does that lead?
Since I have a heart, a mopey one at that, it is a bit easier for me to empathize with suffering souls. I won’t paint myself as a saint, a martyr or being of light because while I am not a bad individual, I am cognizant of my faults. I am in tune with complexity and grief is thus.
Since I was a little girl, I attracted the most troubled youngsters. Perhaps feeling disconnected from my surroundings made me a natural target (for lack of a better term) for those that craved stability or comfort.
My parents disapproved of my choices often and as I look back at them, they had shown by example. If someone had a legitimate issue and it seemed like help was far away, they were there. My parents have gained, in my eyes, a bit of a divine status. Like tofu, I took on that particular flavor.
As hard as you may try, your children take to heart your actions. Some can shake it off, others cannot. Being charitable or helpful isn’t the worst thing to be but it can come with a price.
Its a likely door open for the unsavory types. The boyfriend that looks great on paper or the friend that uses you like a shrink. The negativity will permeate your life. Like the door that person walked through, its important to find the key and lock it. Some people are beyond help because they prefer it.
I’ve made my way back to the library. In just a short time, I’ve borrowed at least half of the books two libraries have on the topic of funerals. Its made me a very quiet, slightly withdrawn person. I assure you not for tragic reasons. Believe it or not, I take great delight in knowing the inside of the industry.
The deeper I dive, the louder I hear a calling. A mission needs to be fulfilled but it won’t be easy.