~Still Healing~

I want others to know they aren’t alone or without hope.

Anxiety is a silent thief. It deprives you of energy, joy and peace. It dismantles your life and destroys your relationships. Where you least expect the rainbow is where you’ll find it.

For the past fourteen years, long and often painful, I have dealt with this insidious beast. I’ve cried, begged and prayed for a breakthrough. I was spared at moments when I wasn’t expecting it.

The onset of anxiety was very strange for me. I was in middle school. At this point, undiagnosed Asperger’s Syndrome (which has instigated it at points). My palms were sweaty, my heart would race and I dreaded situations.  Up until that point, I was very reserved at school. I realized I was bullied and hassled enough. A sentient being needs what needs whether anyone likes it or not.

In tenth grade, I decided I would attend a private school the following year. Perhaps it would alleviate the constant anticipation, that I would finally thrive in school.

I was too immature to understand that life is what you create and how you handle a situation lies within your perceptive.

After basic schooling, I ended up on medications for my issue. It didn’t fair well. I blacked out on one and had side effects with the rest as well. I was a wreck for the better part of a year.
A decade of peace succeeded the three and a half years of turbulence.

Recently, I have been addressing a bout of the horrid beast. I make note of what I was ignorant to a decade prior and how I feel in each activity. Its important to note that you must push forward and place yourself in uncomfortable circumstances.

I’ve changed my diet, embarked on a yoga routine and prayed. My body needs to heal. I want to live a quality life with my future husband. I want to be surrounded by family.

Perhaps it is a bit sad to complain in a first world country when I have basic necessities but if you don’t have peace of mind, you are quite poor.

One day at a time!  That is what the wise tell me. Each moment that I break free, I feel like myself again.

Just remember, because I know you’ve been here, feel the fear and do it anyway. The worst that will come of this is a better “you”.

My late grandmother gave me a word of encouragement once upon a time. She died with it on her lips. “Sisu”.
A word from her family’s ancestral land of Finland, home of fermented meats and the midnight sun. It translates to “spunk” or “determination”.

No matter what, this is what we strive for. The guts, the glory and the life.

It is yours if you fight for it.

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